"He lets me rest in quiet meadows; He leads me beside still waters..." Psalm 23:2
Two months ago the Lord gave me a dream of this exact verse. To understand the context of why I so desperately needed this we have to look back on the situation we were (and still are facing).
Haiti has been experiencing political unrest and outbursts of protesting/country lockdowns (peyi lok) since July of 2018. Starting in August of this year the country has been consistently locked down and blocked up most days, with a few "calm" days sprinkled in between protesting to allow everyone to get supplies (well sort of).
We had just begun our own nonprofit organization and were in the middle of transitioning everything- including donors and funds so we were in Haiti with next to no money. On top of that during the calm days there was a trending lawlessness. Thugs still blocking the road but not in protest, really just to get money as the unpaid police force already has their hands full.
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want...."
Two and a half months ago before things had really flipped upside down for us, I was laying in bed arguing with God and letting Him have IT. I was already tired of the continuing struggle in Haiti. I was already tired of the constant battle that is fundraising. I was already tired of facing my fears daily and wrestling the what if's of our lives. We knew (and still know) the calling we have to be exactly where we are, doing what we are doing... but I am human and I still have flesh and a heart and fears, worries, anxieties.
So there I am begging God to give me peace for my weary soul. I was sitting up in my bed and I heard it. I heard running water. Instantly my fears and struggles began to be louder than the water and I found myself near a stream with God as my Shepherd. I yelled to Him to turn up the water, like you would turn up a radio. My Shepherd did just that and He reminded me He leads me beside still waters. And there I sat at the most beautiful natural spring enveloped in greenery and Love Himself. And none of the struggles of this world, of my life compared to that P E A C E.
I woke up from that night and the most wonderful dreams- I rose with peace, well-rested. And I wish I could end this blog post right there... but God knew what was coming in my life. He knew the storms we were about to walk through and the real life fear (the kind thats not just in your mind but when the what if's become reality).
Just a couple days after soaking in those Still Waters I found myself crying in my shower trying to cling tight to what Jesus had said to me but it was already slipping from my reality. An hour previous to those shower moments Alex was robbed at gunpoint. They stole his phone, his moto (our only transportation), and most importantly our peace. We were thankful he was unharmed as there are plenty of stories coming from Haiti right now where this is not the case, but we were left so broken. As he filed the police reports the next day we learned NINE other motos were stolen not too far from us and countless people robbed of money and personal belongings in our own area. Alex was sad for himself but disheartened at the desperation of those around him in the police station. Motos are a source of income, the only source of income for these men and some people were robbed of their wages they earned that week which means their family would not eat.
"He makes me lie down in green pastures...."
Our hearts were devastated and struggling to stay positive. We lost sleep and the what if's just got worse. We were dreading telling of what happened to us. Honestly, when you love something so much it is hard to share of its flaws and hardships. Ironically a month before this happened we were talking about a friend who was robbed in a different part of Haiti and we had actually said we did not think we could stay if that happened to us. I look at this moment and see how God protected Alex AND strengthened our faith in Him while confirming the plans He has for us.
"He leads me beside still waters...."
It was not sunshine and roses trying to push through the trauma of what happened. It was very hard to actively cling to a God who allowed it. But all through the struggle we just put one foot in front of the other. We found reasons to be thankful no matter how small they were- being locked in the house was a challenge all on its own. We watched as our entire missionary community began exiting one by one.
We felt alone and discouraged a lot but would spend entire days worshipping the Lord and His faithfulness. The situation going on around us does not determine the Goodness of God. A hard truth to grasp but a very necessary one.
And again, I wish I could say we replenished our vehicle fund right away and everything turned around and is good but that is not the truth. The truth is Haiti continues in this state of unrest and chaos. My friend Pauline has lived through many different eras and administrations of Haiti (horrible dictators, corrupt presidents, hurricanes, the 2010 earthquake, cholera outbreak, and more) but let me know this is the worst it has ever been in her fifty four years of living. The inflation, the suffering, the corruption, and the hopelessness of the general people as they try to ride this out. Our zone specifically was completely blocked up by gangsters while other areas were calm. We had a horrible day and night of gunfire right outside our house as the police tried to take back the intersection we live near. The gangsters were retreating into our neighborhood on motos and firing rounds and terrorizing our neighbors. We were trying to be as silent as possible while listening to the neighbor's radio call out the positions of the police officers during this fight and call for fellow thugs to come with gasoline and set the police on fire. The radio station was against the police and giving up their locations to the gangsters. It was a war zone. The gunfire was loud and unreal. As I am writing this, its unreal that we lived this. But again, God is faithful beyond our circumstances.
"He restores my soul...."
After this specific instance- the gangsters won the battle against the police and the partying and celebrating was almost worse than the sound of constant gunfire. The darkness was heavy. The following day I sat in one spot on the couch and realized after almost three months of this crazy that it was time we had a break. We were able to secure me a ride to the airport the following day and a very kind friend generously offered to fly us to their home in Florida. Alex had to stay behind until we could get a new guard to our house and trained in all things Bradshaw Household. I have been resting in Florida for several weeks now and preparing a fundraising campaign while following God's lead. Alex was able to join me after a couple weeks- a small miracle story all in its own! I will save that for another blog.
"He guides me along the right paths for His name's sake...."
And so we continue our journey in Haiti. This blog is definitely a harder one to write for me. I know exactly what you're thinking about how insane we must be to continue living this way. I know what you're thinking because I have thought it myself. When we are feeling overwhelmed and unsure about the future of Haiti we pray and we listen. EVERY SINGLE TIME we have prayed and asked God to be clear He has been. He will have all the glory and He will guide us because He knows best.
"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me...."
He is with me. In almost every prayer I have prayed or song I have sang over the last several months I am reminded of my Emmanuel- GOD WITH US. And I will continue battling my flesh against fear. He is with me and He comforts me.
I do not what the future of Haiti looks like when the country is in a Humanitarian Crisis. I do not know the future of my loved ones there just trying to feed their little loves, and I do not know that this will pass anytime soon... but I do know that God's Goodness is not defined by this circumstance. I do know that He is with me and them in the valley. I know that He loves everyone we minister to more than we ever could.
"Your rod and your staff, they comfort me...."
And so I allow myself to be comforted in this period of rest.
"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows...."
In faith we will move forward with all that God has planned for Abide In Love. In faith we will fundraise for our needs and the needs of the ministry. In faith we will declare war on poverty and the effects of it on families. We will fight what they are fighting. We will move forward because we trust in the Lord and our hope is in Him alone.
"Surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
This last month has been extremely difficult in Haiti. It has been difficult in our living here with fuel shortages, lock downs, and increased unrest. But it is also harder on our hearts as we watch an already suffering people- suffer more and in increased ways. It is hard knowing that there is nothing you can do to stop what goes on out there and you cannot protect the ones you love. We can cushion them a little- we have given our neighbors water, bought extra supplies from our local boutique to keep her business stable, and given a few people some of those extra supplies. But other than that all we can do is pray.
And we assume the condition of our hearts God so desires from us. Completely dependent on Him and His abilities instead of our own. All I can do is trust. There is no other option except fear.
I succumbed to fear last week at the mention and rumors of a coup d'ètat. I succumbed to darkness and what ifs, sadness and grief, anger and frustration with the Lord who "holds all things together". How can this statement be so when I see everything falling apart?
And here is how God, the Holder of All Things, responded ever so gracefully to my fears, anger, and questioning:
Yesterday, our laundry lady showed up much later than usual. She walked from her house to ours through the mud because there were not many motos out. She woke up waiting to see what the day would bring before she headed out leaving her four children with her older mom. Jesula is sassy and at times an absolute pain in the butt, if I am being honest. But then sometimes we have such great heart to hearts. We often joke around and tease each other. And every time she leaves my house I think how Jesula must be God's favorite kid.
She had this job for about two years before we arrived- paid a sustainable wage to provide for her family. Then we come along and I cannot tell you how many socks have come to die terrible deaths in our laundry loads-stretched into rags. Not to mention the various clothing items that have had bleach water from the one tub splashed on them and ruined. Many underwear and boxer pairs stretched and damaged with holes. Plus any fitted jeans or jeggings are stretched beyond recognition.
It is amazing to me that we have kept her but I see the four faces she is responsible for, I see her elderly mother Rosemene working hard too providing for this family and so we keep this sustainable wage. A wage sustaining an entire family each week.
Empowering one momma.
And just when I have decided to take the weight of the country and the woes of all her people to heart and crush my spirit, well this one momma comes to us late on her work day but something is different.
She is pinning the clothes to the line, effortlessly chatting away while completing the task at hand. She is happier than I have seen her in a long time, full of hope despite what goes on outside these walls. She is also skinnier as her second job has been shut down the last month with the inability for vendors to go out selling. But she is happier. Her weight loss tells me she is making a huge sacrifice to make sure what she does have goes to those four precious ones depending on her. Can you imagine, choosing not to feed yourself to ensure your kids are eating? I have been making bigger breakfasts for my friend just hoping she gets one good meal a week. It is still so hard on my heart.
But still, what is the difference this day?
And thats when she tells me- she has been saving little supplies for herself. She has a plan.
She has a small chalkboard, one piece of chalk, and a book from her little one's school.
Jesula wants to learn to read and write.
And thats where it hits me. I have to turn around and find a dish to scrub while we talk because the tears are coming. I am beyond excited for my sassy friend and the empowerment she has felt in the last four years. We recently talked about reading and writing and I told her how much I enjoy them and she was fascinated by it. I encouraged her she can enjoy them too, its not too late. She shrugged me off but I knew the desire was there. After I collected myself yesterday morning I gave her a giant hug and the joy on her face as she told me the news will never leave my thoughts.
Her ability to dream better for herself during this time has me melted right into the hands of the Father.
A simple dream in the middle of chaos.
The joy and pride in telling me this plan and excited for me to share it with Alex is a reminder of why we want a literacy program at the community center.
There it is friend- God leaving the NINETY-NINE for the one. His little lamb who has wandered off. His little lamb who has yet to accept Him and His goodness but here He is caring for her and her needs.
This little lamb who gives up her food for her family to eat and yet she dreams not of more food but of learning to read and write.
It's simply profound.
And I am reminded of how God holds all things together- its that all things are held together through Him.
Not by my understanding of His holding, not by my efforts to hold them myself, not by the world around me.
Through this abiding in love do I see the beauty of my SAVIOR abiding in this world, leaving the multitudes for the ONE. And reminding me it was never my burden to take them all on, but to just start with the ONE. Love the ONE. Empower and encourage the ONE. Pray for the ONE.
It is the only way to change this world- begin with the ONE.
Today I feel it is time to take a break from the series I have been working on and spend a little time on why we do what we do.
I have been feeling a tug on my heart lately to go deeper into the Love of the Father and just abide there-- but this life makes it so difficult to stay in those moments.
I am writing today to share of a life riddled with God's fingerprints. As I look around me I see joy abounding in ways America never dreamt.
I see my materialistic nature shedding itself like an old crusty snakeskin.
I see my soul smiling at the giggles of kids playing with rocks as their goal posts.
I see my old heart being revived and made new in ways that do not make sense to the American girl I once was.
I see joy abounding in a suffering world.
It's in the mom feeding her baby with no shame from others around. It's in the potty training toddler half naked running through our english class. It's in the morning greetings from passerby's who view their greeting as their passport. It's in the freedom that comes from lack of busyness. It's in being neighborly as the neighborhood is the family and community is a lifeline.
I often get focused on the lack of things here but where they lack in resources here they abound in richness of things Americans are actually longing for in our hearts.
Following God might look like selling all of your belongings and moving across the world, or maybe it just looks like coming out of your house and moving your feet across the street. Whichever it may be for you- I know it will always look like LOVE.
But not just any love that we as Americans or humans have fabricated- a love that takes time for others, dies to itself, gets uncomfortable, lives vulnerable and messy without fear of rejection but even after rejection this kind of REAL love- it lasts. It abides. It thrives not because of its destination but because of its source.
The source, the place this love flows from is God who is Love. If we do anything without this Love, without the source of it, it is for nothing.
If we accomplish nothing else in this life but loving people richly and discipling people deeply while Abiding in the source of True Love- then we have done everything worth doing.
May your Joy Abound in the richness of He who is the source of Love. For joy abounds in the land of hearts for those who trust in Him and follow Him when the world around seems to have lack. I see joy abound here in a people I cannot even begin to scratch the surface of their sufferings. I see joy abound here because they choose it everyday. I pray you can grasp what I am trying so hard to convey- joy abounds even in suffering because of the abundant Love and grace God has for us, its a choice.
Yesterday was something out of a movie.
Actually, it was supposed to be a day to take a break from people, posting, planning, providing, or preparing. We were supposed to have an entire day at home without people and without stress to just play games and relax. Then we were supposed to end the night at our favorite Haitian restaurant eating some yummy food.
Instead- let me tell you about how the day actually happened...
We started early with english lessons at our house and one of our most dedicated english class students. Then we were supposed to sit outside but it was much too hot for that so we listened to music in the darkest room in the house- trying to escape the scorching heat that brings all your sweat glands to life. I put together a very easy, light lunch of summer sausage and cheese and snacks and we began to play Phase 10. During Phase 4 a knock on the gate rumbled our barking dogs to their feet and I pretty much knew our date day was about to be interrupted probably for the rest of the day.
Hopefully you have been reading all of my latest blogs on The Truth about Orphanages. If you're up to speed you might know about the incredible kids we used to work with and are brokenhearted for. This blog is actually an extension of the stories we have shared.
For all intensive purposes I will name this door-knocker Steven.
Steven left his place at the orphanage several months ago. He hated it there. He hated the constant hardship and never feeling like he belonged. He despised the constant abuse in many forms- but especially verbal. He was told he was a cockroach, a parasite, a beast on the daily. He missed his family something awful. What he missed most was belonging somewhere and a sense of protection. The things God instills in family, even in an impoverished one, are ones that cannot be mimicked in an institutional setting.
Once learning about Steven's exiting of the orphanage- that he chose to leave in an extreme way, we went out to his home village where we had been exactly a year earlier meeting his dad for the first time and watching their tearful reunion after eight years of separation and not knowing where Steven ended up. You see, he hadn't just been in one orphanage but at least two and he was exposed to many things at a young age.
Fast forward to Steven showing up at our house and staying for a few days while we try to formulate a plan for his future. He was not accepted back into his father's house for the shame of being kicked out of school by taking a knife (something he was instructed to do if he wanted to leave, because he was not allowed to just leave.) He was having difficulty living with a brother and then was staying with cousins down the road. We sent him back to his home and said come back to us in a few weeks with some living options you have found in this area.
And he did- he came back and we let him stay with us for a week. He had his own room and bathroom. We paid for his food and he spent time with Alex learning how to fix a truck, a motorcycle, and installing solar panels. He had not done his homework on the housing though so we gave him another weekend to do so and offered to help pay for it for six months until he can get on his feet and pay for it himself.
This young man left an institution that did not prepare him whatsoever for the reality of the world around him. This institution stole from him the very principals he would have acquired in a family setting. It left him and all the kids entitled without knowing how to work or provide for themselves. We see a stark contrast from the institutional living to kids who grow up in a family- even in extremely impoverished areas with imperfect parents.
Let's skip ahead to the knock...
Steven had not come for his Monday meeting with us in which we paid for a translator. Then we even paid this same translator to be here Tuesday and Steven did not show up or call to let us know he would not be coming. So I told Alex to say we are unavailable because days off are crucial to our mental wellbeing. But a simple "We're busy," does not suffice in situations like this. The rest of the afternoon was consumed in this mess of a man. He is strong, loved, and capable. He is a Son of the True King but his understanding of this life is so skewed. We let him know no longer is the offer still standing to find a house because he did not come to the meeting. We had a trust talk- a very detailed example that left Steven's face almost white with fear. After the talk he did not have much to say even when given the opportunity.
We made a plan for Steven with him for a work schedule and a time to come and learn mechanics from Alex. Except I was still concerned about the look on his face during the trust talk, my gut knew something was up.
The morning he was leaving after his stay at our house I encountered Steven up and ready sitting in our office with his back pack. I made him some breakfast and when it was time to walk out the door he had said, "Oh I left my sandals upstairs," and he grabbed his backpack off our dining room table to go get his sandals before leaving. This memory popped back into my head during our trust talk.
After he left our thunderstorm rain meeting I went upstairs to investigate. I had already checked his room when I was cleaning it after he left and found no signs of anything missing. But upon examining our office I found the remnants of a set of DVD's. The brand new plastic wrapper was ripped off the case and actually the case destroyed with neither DVD in it. We were and still are beyond bummed. (These are a Christian set of DVD's on taking charge of your mental & emotional health. Something I had planned on watching this weekend, but it was nothing exciting for a Haitian boy, just something to sell to someone else.)
This might sound like nothing to you but in Haitian culture- theft is not taken lightly. Street justice is a real thing here and now we are faced with a serious lesson that needs to be learned before it is learned any other way.
Devastated, I write this in tears. A constant battle of the heart for the truth to be made known. For all of us to realize the importance of a family setting. For us to not take lightly the things we have and the ways we were raised. I will NEVER stop waging war for the twelve kids who have forever impacted my heart. For the heartache they suffered to not continuously repeat in some twisted cycle of what we Americans believe constitutes for orphan care. Let it be made known the only orphan care there is- is to put an orphaned child in a family and to support those families. Had Steven grown up in a family setting he would have most likely been taught about stealing, he would have learned the Haitian proverbs telling him things like Sa ou fè se li ou wè (What you do is what you see) or Pa janm koupe dwèt moun k ap ba ou manje (Never cut off the finger of the one who gives you food), and in love the meaning would stick. Being a number in a group makes it much harder for these life lessons to have an impact on these children.
During the storm yesterday I found beauty in the rain and in the getting soaked. There is a love that runs deep for these kids, a love so profound and its source is far beyond our human capacity. As I sat there trying to unclog the drain that keeps our yard from flooding, I was drenched through and through. Thus is the love of God- refreshing, intense, and all the way through. Here we are in this life, in the middle of the storm, and we are just getting soaked but it is painful and beautiful all at the same time. A simultaneous chaos and loveliness I cannot convey to you any better than with this extremely lengthy blog post
As for Steven, we will meet with him Tuesday and do what any good parent does and follow up with consequences. As I wrote this blog today, the song "I Wish You Pain," by Andy Grammar came on and I had never heard it but the words got me right in the feels. If you familiarize yourself with the song you will indeed realize I am not a horrible person.
"Cause I love you more than you could know and your heart it grows every time it breaks. I know that it might sound strange, but I wish you pain." -Andy Grammar
So often we avoid hard things. We miss out on countless opportunities because we refuse to leave our comfort zone. And this boy of mine is strong- he will overcome the obstacles. I believe in him but we have to give him a healthy nudge and some tough boundaries for all of us. We will do so tenderheartedly and with humility not taking lightly the different ways God has called us to be here. The call to do the hard things is not wasted on us and we hope it becomes an example to him from people who love him as more than just some number in a line up.
So friends- be in prayer for us as this is not the first or last time one so precious to us will betray our trust or take advantage of what we offer. Pray for us as we are learning too. We are learning Se bon kè krapo ki fe l san tet (Its the heart of the frog that made him foolish).
Abide in Love. Abide in the One who loves you through and through and is not afraid to teach the tough lessons for our benefit.
Abide in the One who is with you while you are caught in the storm.
My last blog was filled with a lot of information about our personal experiences here with orphanages.
Now I want to combine my perspective with a book I am currently reading called "Orphan Justice" written by Johnny Carr.
Have you visited an orphanage on a short term trip?
Have you held precious kiddos in your arms and played with them- laughter bursting forth?
Have you spent any time in a Children's Home that is known for being "one of the good ones?"
I have spent time in many different orphanages here in Haiti and it fuels my desire for orphan care TO CHANGE. Johnny Carr says it in his book:
As followers of Jesus, we cannot be satisfied with children living in orphanages as a long term solution.
If you have visited, or if you have not, the reality of playing with children and you bringing them joy simply because you are visiting is NOT ENOUGH to offset the lack of quality living that only a family can give.
Imagine yourself as that child's parent. Would you be content with TONS of strangers coming into your home to love on your child and maybe take pictures? To play with them and bring out their joy but not have any boundaries? Then add in the fact that these strangers do not speak your language so there is no possible way for them to share teachable moments with your child. These strangers are coming in with the best of intentions, however, they are only bonding and then leaving the attachment behind.
"Perhaps you have fond memories of holding an orphan at one of those orphanages. But as we investigate what orphans need, I want to challenge you to be willing to consider the idea that while you might have good feelings associated with visiting orphanages, living in an orphanage might not be the best option for children."
Aside from attachment issues or whether or not you want to shut all the orphanages down (side note: I am not endorsing that because that would create a whole separate crisis at this time), I am simply suggesting we reconsider our stance on building orphanages, opening orphanages, funding orphanages that keep the children in the orphanage for their entire upbringing.
The only way to truly care for "orphans" and believe me- there are situations where children really are orphaned, abandoned, or the family is not fit to care for them- is to push for every child to have a forever family where they belong.
Look around you in your community, adjacent community, throughout your whole state and I will promise you that you will not find an orphanage. This next statement might sting a little but after living here and living out orphan care firsthand I am here to tell you it is the absolute truth and it needs to be shared.
"After all if we don't allow orphanages to exist in the United States, why are we content to build and sustain them in other countries? The goal of orphan care is caring for orphans, not the good feelings we get from our generosity in building or supporting an orphanage. Orphan care is not about us; it's about them."
The point of this blog is not to make you feel guilty, ashamed, hateful toward me for educating you on the hard truths, or make you want to shut down all the orphanages. The point of this blog is to relentlessly pursue justice and quality care for these kids. The children who find themselves victim to poverty, desperate for a momma's hug, missing the smile of their own brother or sister who Dad decided to keep, longing to belong and be loved unconditionally in a family setting.
No good-hearted person should be wanting to keep children in these institutional settings, deprived of all their basic needs. We should want better for them, we should want family for them.
In a blog to come, I will explore with you the ways Alex and I feel led to empower families here. I will share with you the heartbeat of this next year.
But for now, one last quote for you to chew on:
"Man made orphanages for children, but God made the family for children... He never intended for the growth, nurturing, and development of childhood to happen in an institution."
All of these quotes are mainly from chapter four of this book. Please consider looking into statistics of orphanages or reading a few books on the issues.
Prayerfully consider finding new ways to empower these kids to Abide in Love. Prayerfully consider how your impact can be one that truly mirrors God's heart for orphans and orphan care, instead of how man-made orphan care looks.
Thanks for checking out the tough stuff with me <3
Well it kind of began all magical and fairytale like, except not at all.
I can look back on our first year here and realize we had NO CLUE of what was going on around us and no idea of what Haiti really needed. At times, we even felt like we were helping when instead we were just hurting. We learned the hard way to humble ourselves and stop trying to save these kids- we will never be the Savior they need, that's what Jesus is for and what He alone can do.
We were rounding out our first year of ministry at the orphanage. Early on we learned the kids do NOT view us 'white American visitors' as family. They actually ALL had families of their own, most even had parents and none of them were a fan of our 'American Way.' Our rules and systems were wasted on this institutional living where attachment disorders of many kinds run rampant. They heard and mostly participated in our nightly bible study. Who knows what they thought of us as we implemented ourselves into their daily living. We had high hopes and BIG hearts for changes to be made and "orphans" to realize their true potential as Co-Heirs with Christ. We still have those desires for them; however, we learned in the first few months the kids we thought were "orphaned" by terrible/incapable or dead parents were really just "orphaned" by poverty. Despair and a better chance of being taken care of led these loving momma's and papa's to give over their children to the orphanage and its caretakers.
Sure their living situations were not ideal at some of the houses they came from but these children (along with 80% of "orphans" worldwide) are poverty orphans. The term poverty orphan comes from the fact that a lack of money or resources will lead parents to give up their children in hopes that they can find a better life. While trying to meet physiological needs (and not doing a fantastic job at even that) the orphanage was neglecting the rest of Maslow's Heirarchy of needs. The children were not cared for in ways that promoted their safety needs, their sense of belonging or being loved, their self esteem and importance was neglected and belittled in every way possible, and their self-actualization (the drive to become the best version of themselves) was not there. In fact, a few of the kids struggled with suicidal thoughts on a regular basis and self worth issues which included eating disorders. We learned about the mistreatment of the kids in the orphanage, previous abuse from nannies who watched them, physical abuse from various people, and molestations between the children themselves. After almost an entire year of staying in it for the sake of the kids and trying to change how things were- we realized after many conversations with trusted missionary friends- we were only supporting what was going on and not thwarting it.
Our funding, our positivity, our rules and regulations, our American mindset was aiding vile behaviors because we truly had no control over the situation. Toward the end of the year a lot of truths came out we were unaware of and recently even more has been made known to us.
As Maya Angelou said:
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better DO BETTER."
So here's how we are following Maya's advice:
After stepping down from our "fake" position as administrators (which was never official at an unregistered orphanage anyway) we have begun our pursuit of orphan prevention through family preservation and job creation. These fancy terms made simple just mean we do not want families to feel so desperate that they must hand over their child to the first place that can meet their physiological needs better. We want to help create jobs and expand businesses here in Haiti for Haitians. We want to pursue opportunities for families to learn and grow together to find hope that God will do exceedingly and abundantly more than their family could dream of!
We do not want the desperation poverty brings to send parents knocking for someone else to care for their beloved baby. We want to not be the Saviors just because we are white and more priveleged but instead we want to point them to the one and only Savior who is mighty TO save. #amen!
Stay tuned for the GIANT dreams God has placed in us to begin this year! Stay tuned for how they unfold.
We are about to embark on a whole new adventure and are excited to pursue God's Goodness to His people in new ways. We are praying for an enormous impact on families to want to stay together, for children to not be orphaned by avoidable circumstance or simplistic needs, and for a wave of empowerment to rush this community!
Sure, our story is the opposite of a fairytale in many ways but especially in the sense that:
ALL OF IT IS REAL.
We live in a messy reality, a heavy world full of suffering, and we are no longer sugar coating the truths we are learning. I love a good, fluffy fairytale but I LOVE a true story of heroism, inspiration, and empowerment EVEN MORE. Join us in the nitty, gritty messy life we live and just know we are not the heroes I am referring to above... but you'll see ;)
As always friends- Abide in the one who leads us into deeper waters, not to fear, but to walk with Him!
Today July 10th, 2019 marks our two year anniversary since we moved to Haiti. Let me tell you a story:
Once upon a time in a land far, far away...
Let's go back two and half years to when we visited Haiti and fell in love with an orphanage. Many of you know our story, many of you are still walking it out with us.
If for some reason you have not been following- WE NO LONGER WORK WITH THE ORPHANAGE. (A lot of people ask us when they see us so here is our current story).
We moved here in love with the idea of having twelve kids become our family and in many ways they have. These kids changed our hearts and the entire rest of our lives in ways they may never know. We have cried with/for, prayed over them in ways only a parent can, we have been broken for them and that will never change.
We were rounding out our first year of ministry at the orphanage and had been learning so many things about the reality of orphanages. I will get into those details some other blog post so stay tuned. Our biggest revelation was that Jesus says in John 14:18, "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." We began realizing that the set up of this situation was keeping the kids as orphans. The orphan mindset was used to oppress them and steal their worth as somebody's children. They were not given unconditional love from parents even though many of them had real parents and all of them had families who loved them. They were treated as less than in many ways and it wrecked us as we began realizing our presence made no difference in how they felt about themselves. Orphans are often portrayed in American culture and media as heroes and overcomers; however, the sad reality is that we in America have romanticized our ideas of orphans and orphan care. Orphan care means not leaving them as orphans. It means placing the lonely in families.
We moved to Haiti to become parents but learned our kids were not true orphans at all. We became all too familiar with bonding and attachment issues, self worth issues, pain and suffering beyond words, and all sorts of heartache that we only funded by putting our money and time into our idea of "orphan care". This began in us the dream of orphan prevention and a heart full of dreams for families here in Haiti.
We realized the need for job creation, safe places for families to visit and spend quality family time, bible studies, literacy classes, basic first aid, and training centers. A way for Haitians to encourage Haitians, families to rise up, and leaders to be empowered. So we proceeded to start a community center last August. We fundraised and rented the space but two days before moving in they received a higher offer and told us our deal was off. We did receive our money back but then we had nowhere to live or do ministry.
We began our crazy hunt for a house which took about a month and a half. Through that process we were able to realize we needed a ministry partner and a year to just learn Haiti. That brought us to work with Upstream International. We have spent the last year well- we have built beautiful relationships with our neighbors, we have met many amazing people through the work Upstream does, we have improved our language skills tremendously from the first year, and we have been able to help a handful of families start up business or increase the ones they already had.
THE BEST IS YET TO COME
We are excited going into this new year of ministry to announce God has revived the community center dream in our hearts. He continues to give us visions and hopes for programs to come. He instills in us a heartbeat that families are our first ministry and a peace that surpasses all understanding when we are DREAMING SO BIG. He is not done with us here yet and has been reminding us the best is yet to come for the Bradshaw's.
Please continue to cover us in prayer! Catch up on our blog posts, stay tuned for more updates to come on social media, and prayerfully consider partnering with us financially! We are in awe of what God has done in and through us already and confidently expectant in what He has to come!
We are also hoping for some visitors this year (a shameless plug to let our friends and family know your presence in our home would mean the world to us <3 )!
Thank you for continuing to support us as we humbly learn to Abide in Love!
After a month of health issues in Haiti, we finally made the decision for me to head back to the states and seek medical attention.
The decision was difficult. Why, you ask?
For so many reasons but again being able to leave for a kidney infection when others cannot. Leaving my hubby behind to pick up my slack was also hard. The unknown of leaving for something that could be nothing also weighed heavily on my heart.
We do not make these decisions lightly though. After consulting with many other missionaries and a couple with medical backgrounds here we were advised I leave. Also a few doctors stateside said the same thing.
I left on a Wednesday with a doctor appointment scheduled for Thursday morning and no health insurance. I also had an urgent care clinic awaiting my arrival that night to make sure I got some testing done and maybe pain relief before my appointment. Then I had the worst day of travel mishaps and flight delays I have ever had traveling in all my life.
----->FULL STORY BEGINS HERE...SHORT ON TIME? SKIP TO THE POINT ;)<-----
So to make an incredibly long story short(ish), imagine being in a large amount of pain in both kidneys and being exhausted to walk, let alone carry heavy luggage. Then imagine being alone without your rockstar hubby. Add in the stress of not knowing what is exactly is wrong and trying to avoid a hospital because you do not have insurance. Sounds pretty stressful, right?
Well then imagine you are seated on your second flight that connects you to a third flight to get you home in time for your ride to your appointment and they let you know an indicator light just came on and something little might be wrong with the plane. Twenty minutes later they announce the left engine is not working properly and everyone must deplane and see the agent at the gate.
I waited in line for almost a half hour and was next to be helped to get another flight when the agent announced everyone needed to go to the customer service desk for this airline which was several gates away. My wobbling, pitiful self began to lose it.
I ended up behind 75-100 people and had to stand for an hour and a half in line while each person was being redirected to their destinations or connecting flights. By the time it was my turn to go to the counter I was exhausted and in much pain. It hurt to not have peed in a couple hours and I did not dare drink water and take Tylenol for pain relief in my kidneys in case it sent me to the bathroom and cause me to lose my place in line.
This was the PERFECT STORM of events that led me to a small breakdown in the middle of the Miami Airport.
After I was told I would not make my connecting flight to get to Detroit I began panicking and crying right there at the counter. I even asked for a refund thinking I might make another airline flight but I was promptly told "No, you have to expect these things when it comes to 'such and such' airlines," and the rudeness sent me to a seat all alone to cry to myself for the next two hours. I sobbed all alone and experienced something I have never truly felt before- aloneness.
----------------------> THE MAIN POINT- READ AHEAD!<-----------------------
CONTRAST- I bet I have you wondering why exactly I titled this blog "Contrast". Well, let's rewind to my first airport and flight experience. In this beautiful country I call home, I am a foreigner. I am constantly exposed to things I am not used to and some of them are very difficult, but some of them are incredibly beautiful.
My first experience in the Haiti airport consisted of happy, friendly faces. Strangers warm and welcoming to me just because I know their language. The men around my seat were more than happy to help me and a couple older ladies get our heavy bags into the overhead compartments. I had friendly conversations with the three rows around me the entire time we were in flight. We all helped each other navigate the Miami Airport customs and got a little lost along the way.
These perfect strangers quickly became friends- full of warmth and care to share.
Yes I left my Haiti home for more adequate medical care and there is contrast in that journey.
However, my focus is not on that contrast but in the kindness of the people. You see, I cried for two whole hours by myself in Miami. I sat alone with tears streaming- in my own pain and fear. Not one person reached out to me and asked if I was ok. Not one person smiled or really made intentional eye contact. I would not have suffered alone in the Port au Prince terminals. Many looked at me, walked passed and heard me- but nobody SAW me. The "aloneness" was heavy.
This is where the starkness of the contrast hit me- it is something we have lost along the way in America. We have lost the ability to live intentionally in the moments we have right now. We have lost the ability to empathize with hurting hearts and wounded souls, to reach out in each other's brokenness and be present. We have lost warmth and friendliness to perfect strangers because we have an agenda. We have blinded ourselves with technology and screens that disable us from seeing the faces and the tears of those RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. We have lost kindness and manners and basic sympathy.
However sad this truth is or however hard it is to swallow- I know a place where you can find this genuine love. A place where neighbors are family and neighborhoods serve purpose. I know a place where sorrow is shared and burdens are not carried alone. I know a kindness that runs deep and where strangers become pals. I am honored to live in this place and be impacted each and everyday by the hearts of those who take the time to see what is there, or rather who is there. You are always welcome to come and experience this kind of intentionality first hand right in my Haiti home. You will feel like family here- a richness in culture you cannot find elsewhere- of this I am sure!
This population teaches me what it looks like to Abide in Love, and I hope I can properly capture it with my journaling- but again seeing it firsthand is the best way to really know it.
I challenge you to share the Love with which you Abide- bring it to others and allow them to feel it too <3
Oh friends. What a tough few weeks it has been.
I honestly do not even know where to begin. I am having all the feelings, all over the place, all the time. We have been DISCOURAGED. (Note the all caps words will have a purpose at the end ;)
To be completely honest and get a little messy with you guys- it is exhausting being face to face with so much need and lack on the daily. Daily we are asked for money or a job or a loan and we are not in a place right now to provide for all the people we encounter. Imagine the people in your neighborhood needing a business loan and coming to you for it or a friend you work with asking for money for her kid to be able to go to school. It is TIRESOME. Not to mention the random people who ask us for stuff all the time while we are out and about.
Not that I think handouts are the solution to Haiti's problems because they are NOT. I firmly believe in empowerment which just so happens to take a little more effort. Alex and I have been dreaming again. Dreaming of a community center and looking at properties. We normally love to dream but we have been experiencing attacks on our dreams yet again. Many of you saw how things crumbled for us last year. Many of you saw how plans fell apart, the house and space was rented from under us, and the two month struggle of finding a house in our small budget. We just had a similar situation happen recently where we found a property we were in love with and it has the potential of falling through. This is DISHEARTENING.
Other feelings have surfaced for me because it is the week of Mother's Day and (again- just being honest) this is the holiday I dread most throughout the year. Mother's Day has become a holiday where I watch so many others celebrate while I continue to grieve the last six years of emptiness. If you have struggled with infertility you understand what that last sentence means. If you have not, I am not saying my life has been empty of purpose or passion but just something is missing and it comes from the empty womb. If you are walking this journey out just know you are not alone and it is ok to grieve. It is ok to wrestle with God. And if people tell you things like you are not praying enough or do not have enough faith- remember how Job's friends were. I personally know how hard you pray, how often you pray, the depth of your prayers, and the faith you have had to develop to keep pushing through each day. I am always around if you need someone to walk in the mess with. I completely understand the DESPERATION you face.
We also miss our own moms. This time of year especially brings up feelings of missing out and guilt for not being there to celebrate what wonderful women they are. Please feel free to give our mommas hugs from us and love on them. We so appreciate the faith and prayer they have in us daily. We honor the women they have to be to have their kids telling them the stories we share and the danger we are put in sometimes. Also- please encourage them to come visit us! I'm going to be so bold as to ask for people to donate to their trips here. It would be so wonderful for them to see in person some of the things we get to do! (*Shameless Plug*;) Being away from family and friends can be awfully LONELY.
That's just it. This life is messy. Battles come our way. Armies come against us in various form. We all face LONELINESS, DESPERATION, DISHEARTENING CIRCUMSTANCES, TIRESOME TRIALS, AND DISCOURAGEMENT.
But please do not quit. Please do not give up.
Can I take all that messiness and let you know it's actually beautiful?
It's actually the ashes of our life that God is trading for BEAUTY.
When we feel overwhelmed and stuck in the hardship, not sure how we are going to fight the battles... God is already waiting. You see, if you read about Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20:1-30, he had three armies coming after him and his people. They were most definitely outnumbered. Jehoshaphat was worried but he prayed a powerful prayer. What was so powerful about his praying? He trusted God while admitting he had no idea what to do and knew the situation was bigger than their fight.
Look at all the ugly, messy stuff in your life. DO IT! Then start trusting God is turning those ashes into beauty. He is growing you in the tiresome trials. He is befriending you in the lonely, He is encouraging you in the discouragement. He is giving you His heartbeat when you are too disheartened to find your way. And in the desperation, He is fighting your battle for you. All you have to do is give it to Him. Pray and cast your cares, then Praise Him through it.
Jehoshaphat prays to God acknowledging his own weakness and lack- then acknowledging God for who He is, trusts Him completely. Then the Spirit of the Lord comes upon Jahaziel, and He said,
"Listen all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Listen, King Jehoshaphat! This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don't be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow, march out against them. You will find them coming up through the ascent of Ziz at the end of the valley that opens into the wilderness of Jeruel. But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord's victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!" 2 Chronicles 20:15-17
After this King Jehoshaphat bows down and worships God.
The battle has not been won yet but he worships anyway! He trusts anyway!
The King reminds the people before the battle to trust God. He then appoints singers to go before their army praising and thanking God for His holy splendor. At the moment the singers start singing and praising- the Lord causes the enemy armies to start killing each other and by the time King Jehoshaphat's army reaches them there is no one left to fight!
God fought the battle for them. Hallelujah for such good news. What's more- the people got to take home all the plunder which took three days because there was so much.
Such a long blog to tell you all that the battle is not yours, it is God's. Let Him have it, trust He will bring beauty from ashes and then praise Him freely because His victory is YOURS!
**If you are walking out some of these tough things right now please take a look at some resources to help you find that victory that is already within you!
Abide in Love Friends- it's the only way to live this messy life.
So I have been scrolling through all the social medias and noticing an epidemic. I am noticing how we portray ourselves to have it together. How we share the best pictures of ourselves or our family. I am noticing (and convicted by) the notion that we have to have it all together and appear to be perfect.
I know I have been passing judgements until I realized I do this EXACT SAME THING. So fasten your seatbelts- here comes a real struggle-bus-story-sharing. We just had the weekend from... well somewhere other than Heaven ;)
Seriously it was a disaster from Friday all the way until we went to bed last night. We had tempers flare up, emotions leak out all over the place, all composure was LOST. Our moto tire was flat with a nail in it- miles away from the nearest tire repair guys (which is never the case because they're everywhere). We literally had to walk at least two miles, uphill, in the snow... oh wait, no snow! Actually just some uphill but mostly downhill in the bright sunshine ninety-five degree weather. With every step I could feel the sun burning my skin deeper and deeper. Then we were stuck in another hour of crazy traffic on the way home and it is almost as if that sunshine made its burn down deep in my soul. I was LIVID at missed important plans and our day being shot after that.
Cue our Weekender coming over (as he does on the weekends ;) and he was in great spirits which helped. Fast forward to Saturday morning where we awoke to the beautiful sound of rushing water meaning we had power and our neighbors were filling their water tank. After about fifteen minutes of listening we realized our dogs had crashed into our water spout and broken it- causing all of the water in our holding tanks to spew and flood our yard (just like our emotions did all over the place this weekend)!
Good news though- we had power so once Alex fixed the piece he would be able to fill the tanks back up. He fixed the piece just after the water had emptied itself and (can you guess what happened?!) the power shut off so we had to run the generator during a gas shortage after we got power for the first time in several days and had our water already filled (OYYY)!
We finally get settled enough to leave for english class and I open the gate so Alex can drive us all over there when in walk four men there to work on some electrical stuff that was not finished, fix a window, and add screens to a couple windows. They were not even supposed to be coming Saturday morning but this made Alex have to stay back with them. Class went pretty smoothly though. Except our Weekender had some feelings about not sitting in the special chair that normally Alex would be seated in. Thus bringing out the desire to walk away a few times during class and trying to fight other kids. It was a little overwhelming while trying to lead class without Alex.
Are you over all these details yet?! ME TOO! Except they're not finished. Not even close.
The workers did not leave until six-thirty that evening and I could not even hide anywhere in my house because every part of the house was compromised with people who might see my true feelings. Have you ever had a day like that? Where you just want to hide away for five minutes, maybe ten minutes and just cry? Alex and I were arguing throughout the day about the stress and the guys working and various other things that probably were not even important. You could definitely feel the tension between us. Also- I was super sunburnt making all movements hurt and on top of that I was having "stomach issues" all day. Honest moment- just for you guys!
To end our night I was feeling too sick for bedtime routines which just made me feel like a horrible person.
Sunday- our neighbor has been asking to go to church with us for months but with only the moto we have not been able to bring her and her baby so finally this Sunday we were able to take her. I wish I could say this was a normal, easy, happy Sunday; however, that would be a complete lie. Let's be real- I HATE being late to things. And our church is at capacity for people so if you're not a little bit early it is difficult to find seats- and to me being on time but no seats is late. In the rush of trying to get ready and make breakfast for all of us and coffee to go I ignored my need to pee. Our drive to church was normal in that we hit some lite traffic and then on top of that we were stuck behind a water truck on a giant uphill climb. My stress was TANGIBLE to everyone in the car and I could not get it together. I was mad all through church and ended up not being seated with Pegguy which made me feel terrible and only added to the frustration. I literally argued with Alex through the entire service and my need to pee compiled suffering on top of all the other MINUSCULE details.
Guys- I know its nothing, all of it is nothing. I realize that... but I am showing you my human heart and fleshy weakness. Good thing God is in control and Pegguy loved the church and is set up to dedicate baby Nicky in a couple weeks- seriously ONLY GOD!!
Fast forward to getting home and our Weekender knocking over the moto he is not supposed to be touching and potentially breaking all of Alex's work that he had just fixed. Then trying to process Sunday feelings because having two homes is hard. Not to mention dealing with us and all of our tension. It was a lot I am sure. So we are preparing for his departure and recapping the weekend and talking it all out when we get a call that it was too dangerous to take him back Sunday night because of the ongoing gang wars and gunfire. Then my heart is put back in its proper place by God himself. Ouch, the realization of what a complete butt I have been for letting my emotions get the best of me.
And right before my eyes, there goes some of Monday's plans and meetings too. We don't have a babysitter and we have things planned first thing on Monday's almost always. But it doesn't matter in the scheme of things- we got a reset night for all of us. A night where we pushed the stress aside and focused on what was important. We got to calm down and slow down in our chaos and that can be ONLY GOD.
Here is what I found myself writing out in a moment of absolute peace:
"But then I sit here after a long- very full day and watch the sun go down and it sets on me different.
Find me joyful in this moment- find me peaceful.
The breeze, strong and steady, breaks up the stale, stagnant heat.
It pushes away the pests buzzing and biting.
The leaves dance on my wall through the corner window and I sit here on the couch I prayed for this time last year.
I sit here and listen to leaves rustling and mangoes plopping. There is a sort of stillness I cannot explain.
Only God can do all of this- Only God can be stillness in chaos.
My wiggly, waggly chihuahua nuzzles into the couch- silly.
My Weekender laughs.
The people are still here, buzzing about, making for anxious big dogs but...
Find me in the moment.
ONLY GOD can create this.
Let the sunset on your chaos but be in the setting of peace."
I found peace all around me in the chaos because I took a minute despite my to-do list and noticed the moment I was in. There is so much pain to be felt here, so much guilt to push through, so much bitterness to forgive- but when I am in the moment God makes my priorities clear and makes a way for all of the above. What is stopping you from being in the moment? A busy work day? A crying toddler? Screen time? A daunting list of tasks? You only get the moments you're in now. Time does not go backward for us- only forward. Make the most of it. Find the peace and find the joy.
Last night ended with me getting pepper spray in my eye (a story for another time haha).
This morning I woke up to new moments to capture and made the best of them. We all read our bible right in Psalm 73. I encourage you to read it for yourself and find the truths in it. It is packed full of many- find them and declare them over yourself today friend.
I know social media is intended to make us look a certain way. I know I have been putting on a certain appearance but I also know I am a real human who gets mad at her husband from time to time, or who struggles with failed expectations and then feels guilty for failing to compose myself. If you are struggling to- its ok! Let's bring God glory in our weakness instead of trying to glorify ourselves in false perfectness.
Kristen & Alex Bradshaw