goodness & mercy in the valley of the shadow of death

The last blog- written in a raw place from a raw heart.

And although I hate to disappoint, this one will be just the same. No filters. Trigger warning to those sensitive to depression, violence, etc.

We left the life we worked so hard to build in Port, all of our friends and those that have become family and made the choice to head south to a very rural area of Haiti, where there are no gangs or gunshots.

I have not seen a dead, burnt body for months. Nor do I fear for my safety when I leave my house. I sleep peacefully without the constant popping of gunshots. I am not afraid of the gangs busting through my door and taking my son.

goodness & mercy-

God led us to a quaint fishing village where I can exist outside of the norm which had become my life- constant fear.

He led us to an oceanside house that was cheaper than the properties we rented in Port.

He led us to peace and rest.

Goodness & mercy is following me. He is still chasing me down to let me abide in this goodness that is for me.

The reality of coming to terms with this Goodness lies within the struggle.

What you saw on my social media feed was mostly happy but also a mix of sadness. What you did not see was the heaviness that was my daily reality. Not the resentment I had for life, a life so unkind and so unfair. A grief I had never known before. You did not see the PTSD or the nightmares or the absolute isolation. The hopelessness that clung so tightly, suffocating my breaths at night. It was all so real. 

You did not see the survivor's guilt and the faces that haunted my dreams, the ones I left behind. Nor the depression that enveloped me and held me down, oppressing me in the harshest of ways. The joy stolen and the ugliness of it all. The anger I held for safety and the ocean and the sunshine. The actual desire I had to just not exist in such a state of grief. 

We physically left the danger behind but the handprints lingered around our necks as if they were still squeezing. 

You never saw the experiences exactly as they happened because we fight so hard to preserve the dignity in this beautiful land. We fight so hard not to terrify you with some of the hardest truths about evil.

The senseless acts of the oppressors. The truth- it is literally for nothing but the sake of terrorizing people to control them. 

None of it makes any sense.

goodness & mercy-

I had to walk through the valley of the shadow of the death. I had to fully rely on Jesus to save me from such evil, physically and emotionally.

I had to come to know the kindness of His face and presence again. 

I had to let go of the shame that bound me. The shame I had for leaving, for abandoning those I love so much.

I had to capture and reframe my thoughts about this process- to know I can still support and love from safety. 

To learn to receive goodness again. To know that mercy NEVER gives up and in its persistence is salvation.

​Learning to dance again, the song of rejoicing. To trust this is a season where I will continue to witness it is all being woven together, for MY good. I lean on this the season of testimony which will speak to the world in volumes I cannot fathom, in languages understood by all.

goodness & mercy
will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

A message to those struggling with depression, mental health issues, PTSD:
it is completely ok to seek help. In fact, I highly encourage it. I have been seeing a therapist for years and continue to work through things with her because I am worth it-- AND SO ARE YOU. Please reach out if you are need in of help, there is no need to suffer these things alone.