I pray these words find you right where you are- you with the mother's heart but an empty womb.
I pray somehow the emptiness that has made its way from your empty arms into your soul can be replaced with just a glimmer of hope. I pray you find comfort in the arms of the Father who holds you so tightly. I pray you can be honest with yourself and come out of hiding. Face the truth but also find your solid ground. I pray you can find refuge with the Lover of your soul, the caretaker of your heart. Maybe you too have found yourself crying bitter tears- tears of longing. I can no longer watch a video with a baby's laugh or happy family without being reminded of my own emptiness. I looked into my husband's eyes today and saw his pain as he saw mine and there was a strange comfort in that moment. A moment where I was not completely alone in this struggle. And then I was reminded there are so many of us out there- in the waiting. We are waiting for answers, for joy, for the desire of hearts to be fulfilled. I would say there is no greater desire, no stronger desire than that of a woman wanting to be a mom. It leads us to fertility treatments, doctors upon doctors, searching for answers. Sometimes it leads us to other countries to run an orphanage or to foster care in the states. It can make us crazy or jealous. I have found myself lapping up from the pool of jealousy- like a rabid dog. Watching happy families and wanting to stay away. Watching babies born into less-than-ideal scenarios and wondering why God has forgotten me? Not forgotten me- forsaken me. Blaming God for not giving me what I desire most. Every failed pregnancy test or false hope led me deeper and darker into despair. I let so much ugly into my life with envy and anger. I almost did not recognize who I had become. I pray for you- in the waiting with me- that have felt those feelings. The pain is all too real and raw. I know the desperation. Grasping for air while you are drowning in a baby shower or unfollowing pregnant friends on Facebook not because you're mad but because it is too painful to watch someone else's belly grow while yours remains void of life. It is ok to grieve. This waiting is hard. But do not let the emptiness consume you. Do not let the emptiness steal your hope and joy. Listen Momma (I am speaking this over you right now in FAITH). Find a friend and borrow their faith when yours runs out. When your well of hope runs dry grab His Word and fill up with the Living Water. Replenish what empty has stolen. Then chin up and press on. We cannot do this journey alone. We cannot bear this pain alone. If you're anything like me it also brought you hopelessness and shame. It stole your very purpose. I wondered why God did not think I could care for a child. Why I was not worthy of being a mommy. I felt ashamed like others were judging our lack of a child. I found myself withdrawing from friends, succumbing to the aloneness. But you are not alone. You are worthy. There is no shame in the waiting. You are full of purpose. Hope is within you. Joy can abound from you. You are not a failure. I had to borrow some faith from a very kind friend a month ago and her response will stick with me for the rest of time... "When you finally meet them you will tell them you would have waited a million years even for only a minute with them. And it will all make sense why it had to be not until that moment. Because if it was any other moment, it wouldn't be them. And you wouldn't trade it being them for all the waiting. He knows what he is doing. He doesn't want you missing out on his very best for you. He is making something more beautiful than you could ever dream of." And this truth is the same for you. It's the same whether you're adopting or trying to conceive. Because before anyone is a mother- they are first a daughter. You are a Daughter of the Creator of Life. You are a Daughter who is loved and cared for tremendously large and in every way intricately small also. He has a plan for you. To fulfill your desires of motherhood in the best way He knows how for you. God gave me a vision years ago of Himself as my Daddy- dancing with me on His toes. Helping me learn to ride a bike. Dancing with me at my wedding. And then Him sitting with while I cried over EVERY single failed pregnancy test. A Loving Father, always there for His child. He never leaves us or forsakes us. Take heart my friend, He holds you in the palm of his hand. Take heart my friend, He catches all your tears. Take heart my friend, He is with you & you are not alone. Take heart my friend, He has a plan and its better than you can imagine. Take heart my friend, He is in the waiting. He is with you & YOU ARE NOT ALONE. One of my favorite songs for this season I find myself in- Take Courage by Kristene Dimarco. Read these lyrics then find the song and let your heart take courage. "Slow down, take time. Breathe in, He says. He'll reveal what's to come. The thoughts in His mind, always higher than mine. He'll reveal all to come. So take courage my heart. Stay steadfast my soul. He's in the waiting. He's in the waiting. And hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds. He's never failing, He's never failing. Sing praise my soul. Find strength in joy. Let His words lead you on. Do not forget His great faithfulness. He'll finish all He's begun. So take courage my heart. Stay steadfast my soul. He's in the waiting. He's in the waiting. And hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds. He's never failing, He's never failing. And You who hold the stars, who call them each by name, will surely keep your promise to me that I will rise in your VICTORY." Abide in Him who is in the waiting with you. Abide in Love.
1 Comment
Toni
1/22/2019 07:49:14 pm
Through tears I read your heart felt words and I see how you love and trust HIM. I pray He gives your your hearts desire and your story becomes a testimony of His loving kindness, mercy, and steadfast love. He wants to give good things and has a perfect plan for you. You are iny prayers. I long to see you say as Hannah did "for this child I prayed".
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AuthorKristen & Alex Bradshaw Archives
November 2023
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