I pray these words find you right where you are- you with the mother's heart but an empty womb.
I pray somehow the emptiness that has made its way from your empty arms into your soul can be replaced with just a glimmer of hope. I pray you find comfort in the arms of the Father who holds you so tightly.

I pray you can be honest with yourself and come out of hiding. Face the truth but also find your solid ground. I pray you can find refuge with the Lover of your soul, the caretaker of your heart.

Maybe you too have found yourself crying bitter tears- tears of longing. I can no longer watch a video with a baby's laugh or happy family without being reminded of my own emptiness. I looked into my husband's eyes today and saw his pain as he saw mine and there was a strange comfort in that moment. A moment where I was not completely alone in this struggle. And then I was reminded there are so many of us out there- in the waiting.

We are waiting for answers, for joy, for the desire of hearts to be fulfilled. I would say there is no greater desire, no stronger desire than that of a woman wanting to be a mom. It leads us to fertility treatments, doctors upon doctors, searching for answers. Sometimes it leads us to other countries to run an orphanage or to foster care in the states.

It can make us crazy or jealous. I have found myself lapping up from the pool of jealousy- like a rabid dog. Watching happy families and wanting to stay away. Watching babies born into less-than-ideal scenarios and wondering why God has forgotten me? Not forgotten me- forsaken me. Blaming God for not giving me what I desire most. Every failed pregnancy test or false hope led me deeper and darker into despair. I let so much ugly into my life with envy and anger. I almost did not recognize who I had become.

I pray for you- in the waiting with me- that have felt those feelings. The pain is all too real and raw. I know the desperation. Grasping for air while you are drowning in a baby shower or unfollowing pregnant friends on Facebook not because you're mad but because it is too painful to watch someone else's belly grow while yours remains void of life. It is ok to grieve. This waiting is hard. But do not let the emptiness consume you. Do not let the emptiness steal your hope and joy.

Listen Momma (I am speaking this over you right now in FAITH). Find a friend and borrow their faith when yours runs out. When your well of hope runs dry grab His Word and fill up with the Living Water. Replenish what empty has stolen. Then chin up and press on.

We cannot do this journey alone. We cannot bear this pain alone. If you're anything like me it also brought you hopelessness and shame. It stole your very purpose. I wondered why God did not think I could care for a child. Why I was not worthy of being a mommy. I felt ashamed like others were judging our lack of a child. I found myself withdrawing from friends, succumbing to the aloneness. 

But you are not alone. You are worthy. There is no shame in the waiting. You are full of purpose. Hope is within you. Joy can abound from you. You are not a failure.

I had to borrow some faith from a very kind friend a month ago and her response will stick with me for the rest of time... "When you finally meet them you will tell them you would have waited a million years even for only a minute with them. And it will all make sense why it had to be not until that moment. Because if it was any other moment, it wouldn't be them. And you wouldn't trade it being them for all the waiting. He knows what he is doing. He doesn't want you missing out on his very best for you. He is making something more beautiful than you could ever dream of."

And this truth is the same for you. It's the same whether you're adopting or trying to conceive. Because before anyone is a mother- they are first a daughter. You are a Daughter of the Creator of Life. You are a Daughter who is loved and cared for tremendously large and in every way intricately small also. He has a plan for you. To fulfill your desires of motherhood in the best way He knows how for you. God gave me a vision years ago of Himself as my Daddy- dancing with me on His toes. Helping me learn to ride a bike. Dancing with me at my wedding. And then Him sitting with while I cried over EVERY single failed pregnancy test. A Loving Father, always there for His child. He never leaves us or forsakes us.

Take heart my friend, He holds you in the palm of his hand.
Take heart my friend, He catches all your tears.
Take heart my friend, He is with you & you are not alone.
Take heart my friend, He has a plan and its better than you can imagine.
Take heart my friend, He is in the waiting.
He is with you & YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

One of my favorite songs for this season I find myself in- Take Courage by Kristene Dimarco. Read these lyrics then find the song and let your heart take courage.

"Slow down, take time. Breathe in, He says. He'll reveal what's to come.
The thoughts in His mind, always higher than mine. He'll reveal all to come.

So take courage my heart. Stay steadfast my soul. 
He's in the waiting. He's in the waiting.
And hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds.
He's never failing, He's never failing.

Sing praise my soul. Find strength in joy. Let His words lead you on.
Do not forget His great faithfulness. He'll finish all He's begun. 

So take courage my heart. Stay steadfast my soul. 
He's in the waiting. He's in the waiting.
And hold on to your hope as your triumph unfolds.
He's never failing, He's never failing.

And You who hold the stars, who call them each by name, will surely keep your promise to me that I will rise in your VICTORY." 

Abide in Him who is in the waiting with you. Abide in Love.

Bonne Annee- Happy New Year! At the stroke of midnight I was surprised to find myself thinking that last year is finally over- I breathed a sigh of relief and did not realize how ready I was for the year to be over. I did not realize how much I would be relieved come 12:00 AM January 1st, 2019. Deep breaths and light tears... don't mind me, I have a lot of feels these days.

With a New Year comes new promise, new hope, refreshed strength. I am clinging to that tightly. Trying to stretch it all out to last for twelve more months. We are barely even to midday on the first when our neighbor comes to ask for work again. We have grown to dearly appreciate this sweet man. His smile warms your heart and he is always ready with a enthusiastic greeting. I stood upstairs in my room yesterday and watched him chase his daughter around outside. She giggled like nobody's business and the love between them was tangible. I know it must have been hard for him to send her back to her mom for school. I know he worries he cannot pay his bills and wants to keep her out of an orphanage which mom thinks is an easy solution to money issues. We are really praying to be able to provide him work to sustain his needs and ability to provide. 

This morning is Haitian Independence Day so more than just New Year's its a big deal! Fireworks last night all over and music playing loudly. We struggled so hard to stay awake until midnight. We had a dinner by lantern light followed by a game of Yahtzee and a special ice cream treat! We knew we could sleep in this morning and around 8:30 AM were woken up to a knock on the gate. Our other neighbor came to tell us soup joumou was finished and they were waiting to eat with us. We got ready and headed over to enjoy a traditional New Year's meal with this sweet family. We dreamed for 2019 and job creation together. They are such an incredibly loving family. We were so blessed to be invited and accepted in, to feel like a family and friends. It was a great way to start 2019.

This morning is such a different reality than what we experienced this past Sunday watching a karate championship and soccer tournament finale in Cite Soleil. We spent the day playing with kids who had so much need. They had so much need but so much JOY. It is a really hard thing to process when you see it, I was ok during the day and the time spent investing. After the fact when my exhausted body finally made it to bed- I woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I kept seeing those faces and imagining what its like in their homes. I kept seeing the mommas and dads aching to provide and the kids not fully grasping why. So much difficulty. But again, so much joy. We sang songs and practiced names- the joy was inexpressible. And I think to myself about my own struggles and moments of sadness. Why can't I grab onto to this joy? Why can I not tap into the beauty in the midst of pain? Why are these kids suffering so much?

There is always constant battles with God about why's and why not's. As if knowing the answers gives me control and changes the circumstance. Its all about trusting Him who knows infinitely better than I do. But its still tough. From hunger to feasting on soup jou mou, Haiti is hard to wrap your brain around. I can't always explain it to you but I can sometimes muster up the thoughts and stirrings of my heart. Two nights in a row it has been super heavy. A little overwhelmed at the thought of Jonas and his daughter, of our loves from last year, of Tifamn needing to get to the doctor and Djamina needing her black mushy tooth pulled. Then throw in a hundred new and sweet faces that have need more than I can bare to acknowledge.

Tonight I take comfort in God's ability to leave the 99 for the ONE.

Tonight I find solace in the word that says He is the AMEN.

Tonight I will try again to find peace for my weary soul.

Tonight I will Abide in Love to get my strength for tomorrow.